One of my first reactions, when I heard the news, is that my boy needs to come home. When Cam and I showed up at the medical examiners office to pick him up, all I could do at this point was take a quick glimpse of him. I had to confirm it was him I was bringing home. I had this image of opening the bag in Prince George and seeing some wrinkly old man. After I got him home, I knew that his arm needed to be fixed for the weekend viewing. I also was curious about how his lower body looked, but I actually zoned out when the medical examiner explained to me his lower body injuries. At some point I thought that I just needed to deal with his arm. I thought about all sorts of splints and first aid remedies, however, this did not seem to be right. I then remembered that my family Dr. and his wife had both said, "whatever we could do to help." I messaged them and they agreed to meet me in the morgue. I assembled the rest of my team and asked Emilee if she wanted to join, she was anxious to see Baxter.
After Steven and Leigh (my doctor friends) were casting his arm, Steven explained to me other injuries. I initially thought that we would just do a waist up viewing but as I tried to sleep that night I realized that I needed to at least try to fix Baxter's brokenness. I was also profoundly impacted by the fact that I was not going to be doing this alone, I had a team behind me (and at some points Emilee was in front of me leading the way).
I think it is important to tell you a little bit about my personal support team. My supervisor Linda was the first one to step up to plate. You see there had to be a hospital employee present when the morgue was being used and although I worked at the hospital, I was there as a family member. Usually the person who would be present would be the QRP social worker, that would be me, if I was working. The other person who was an obvious choice was the hospital chaplain and my friend Lauren. She had been brought up in the traditions of old and she was familiar with the tangible tasks that needed to be performed. The other important role that she filled was bringing a spiritual presence to the space.
I don't feel it is appropriate to share the details of fixing Baxter, but for me I listened to my intuitive wisdom and as I suggested before, I had gained tools and experiences from working with other families in similar circumstances. I knew that I needed to focus on healing, and shift my mind and my senses off the injuries and focus on the specific tasks. We also took our time and talked through each step of the process and discussed each situation as it came up.
It is hard to explain to someone who just sees the trauma of the situation, why it was so important for me to be the one to put Baxter back together. I have spoken with Emilee several times about this and she shared the same perspective. We both agree in hindsight, "why wouldn't one chose to be part of this process, it was both an honor and an obvious choice and we feel the peace that followed this process". The images that stick in my mind about those three days, was his tattoes, placing my hand on his chest, holding his hand, and kissing his forehead. I also have a warmth in my heart, and peace in my soul when I utter the words, "He is no longer broken, but whole". He is ready to experience his final send off with his friends and family. It wasn't kings horses and men Baxter needed ...
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