And then it happened...
I almost forgot about your birthday
I knew it was in November but
I thought I was okay
I thought I was over it
I didn't need to plan
I didn't need to get you something ...
26 months since you have gone
I thought I was okay
then I realized I was just talking as a severed head
not feeling comfortable going below the water line
Pushing ahead ... pretending ... thinking I was living
In hindsight I can see my head bobbing in an ocean
afraid to look into the murky water below
Don't get me wrong, it feels okay bobbing up and down
fun even ... not remembering
Then I remember when I was a kid
I flunked swimming lessons 5 times
It was because I didn't want to dunk my head under the water
Some things don't change ...
Then I met you ... RTS (return to spirit)
I thought it was all about them
Those unfortunate people who went to residential schools
and still feel fucked up
addicted to drugs and alcohol
I can help you, I can go to this workshop and learn how to talk to you
wait ... I have to take my hat off? WTF
but I am the expert
teach me how to do this, show me the theoretical constructs
where are your academic references
what do you mean the starting point is inside me?
I have to reconcile myself first?
That doesn't make sense (said the talking head)
Then you played the game "hold your breath"
dunking me into the murky water
I come up, gasping for air
only to hear "hold your breath"
down I go again
I fought hard
I used my extroversion as a shield
my outrageous behaviour crashing other people's boundaries
expressing my fear
hiding out on my island where no one can touch me
no one has the skills, no one is smarter than me...
no one I can trust
Eventually you helped me open my eyes up
I am under water
started to see what I was fearful of
able to identify my feelings
identify my core thoughts
find out where they were located in my body
It was then I started to integrate
I started to heal
I started to reattach to my body
and I started to get it
I wrote a letter to you Baxter ...
a completion ... if you are ready
I would like to share it now.
BAXTER I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT AN AMAZING MAN YOU HAD BECOME
WHEN I HEARD YOUR FRIENDS TELL ME THAT YOU TAUGHT THEM
TO FEEL ... TO EXPRESS LOVE ... TO HUG ... TO SAY "I LOVE YOU MAN"
MY HEART IS WARM. IT IS FILLED WITH PRIDE.
I CAN'T TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS ... IN FACT ... I DON'T OWN IT AT ALL
I AM NOT SURE WHO PLANTED THE SEED, WHO WATERED THE SEED,
I AM ONLY SURE THAT I WAS PART OF THE VILLAGE ... AND EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T FULLY SEE IT BEFORE YOU LEFT THIS EARTH ... I CAN SEE IT NOW
I FEEL SO GRATEFUL TO CALL YOU SON
MY FIRST BORN ...
I AM SORRY THAT I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY.
IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN ...
I PROMISE TO KEEP THE DOOR UNLOCKED AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL WELCOME
TO BARGE IN ANYTIME
STAY FOR A WHILE OR RAID THE FRIDGE
YOUR MEMORIES ARE ALL I HAVE NOW, AND THE UNEXPECTED VISITS OF YOUR FRIENDS SPEAKING YOUR NAME. TELLING ME STORIES. EXPRESSING THEIR TEARS
I have heard that there is three times that a person dies ...
when you take your last breath ... sorry I missed that one big guy
when you are laid to rest ... kinda OD'd on that one (gratitude felt)
and the last time your name is spoken ... hmmmm not in my lifetime or the lifetime of your peeps.
That feels better, even through it hurts
I think the lyric is "hurts so good"
anyways, I am exhausted
this RTS really kicked my ass
I need to rest, to process
to engage with the normalacy of life ...
knowing that i am finding my new normal
I make the declaration that I chose to embrace integration
I am on the path of embracing a restoration community
owning my story, my reactions, chosing to look for opportunities
to share my authentic narrative
I promise to open my heart to hear your story fully
Thank you Ben for encouraging me to begin this RTS journey
Thank you Lauren for warning me to keep myself safe (knowing how powerful RTS is ...)
Thank you Alli for giving me a little nudge and be willing to deal with the shit show that you knew would follow.
Upon reflection, I now can say part of me will never be okay ...
and that is okay.
I chose to live a life of connection and sometimes that can get messy.
