During this journey the last few weeks, I have been seriously reflecting my own experience and curious about the factors that have created disparity between my own observations and others around me. It is important to know that Baxter's mother and I have not been together for over 5 years and I think that even if we were still together we would not be on the same page. Part of that is because we have very different exposure to death, part of it is because we are very different people and the last part is our gender differences. I have had the opportunity to work with a few couples who have lost a child and it is generally very challenging to deal with the disparities between the styles of grieving. Much of the counsellors role within situations like this is to validate both individuals perspective, and encourage them to extend some empathy towards their partner (if this is not possible, encourage them to at least reserve judgement). Let me share with you a story that brings this idea home. I remember working with an older couple who experienced the death of a baby. When I met them, the mom was expressive and overwhelmed. The husband appeared to be overwhelmed and shut down. You see, the mom had experienced a tangible connection for many weeks, the initial experience of morning sickness was a positive connection, feeling the baby move was much more tangible and gratifying. When the baby died the medical staff placed it gently in a shoe box, that was meticulously adorned with ribbons and decorations with a tiny quilt . I engaged with the father that he may experience an active role within the trauma. Suddenly he got an idea, he disappeared into his workshop and a couple of days later, emerged with a small wooden box, that would provide protection for the baby and the beautifully decorated shoe box. At this moment there was a shift in the mom's perspective. She saw that her husband had made tangible connection of grief and was able to receive his gesture of care towards their baby. This is why we talk about the difference between instrumental grievers and emotional grievers. With all this backstory I would like to share my reflection about my experience with the death of my 22 year old son.
My relationship with my son was like a kite. It would be nice to suggest that I held the spool, and he was anchored to me, however, I know that this is simply not true. Most of my memories this last few years were filled with glimpses of him flying. Snapshots of what he was doing and who he was with. There are very sweet memories when I suggested connection points and he flew into sight, dipped down into my life for a few precious moments, and then flew out of sight again. A few times I struggled with jealousy and I desired more time with him, however, I knew in my heart, this was selfish and he had many connection points in his life. There were also a chosen few that held the spool and could reel him in when he got away, or flew too high. My relationship was different and my job was to be grateful for the times he came into view and chose to play in my yard.
I guess that is why I felt so honoured that in the following weeks of Baxter's death, his friends allowed me into their circle. They shared stories and experiences in such a way that I could see Baxter's reflection. What an amazing gift they gave, and continue to give to me.
This picture was one of the last glimpses that he flew into my life. He had just come back to Prince George, and I was heading out for my annual motorcycle trip.
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